Recovery?
Life is really all about '?' these days.
I'm not sure if I'll be up or down or just exist. But, I think that it's an improvement from just living in absolute terror about who else is going to get sick or die or both. Bailey is back with me, it helps keep me focused on life. She gives me purpose, she's safe and happy, which is good enough for right now.
I just wanted to thank you all again for being patient and hearing me out. I'm lucky to have such an understanding community at my fingertips and I honestly don't know where I'd be without that kind of privilege. You've all shown me kindness I'm not sure I deserve, but that I definitely need.
I've worked hard on taking care of myself and my family the last few months, weeks, days, hours. I got help for the anxiety and depression that rose up, and thanks to my support system I've adjusted to some new medication that helps me relax and focus. It's still not the perfect situation or solution, but I am breathing better this week.
I'm going to start working hard to catch up on requests again and post the finished work I've been sitting on for literal months. I can't say sorry enough for those delays, but I really needed to take that time to just not... die? Not explode? Told you, lots of '?'
Please be patient with me, friends. That's the best medicine right now and it's priceless.
Looking forward to spending time with you all again.
I don't even know how to talk about this.
We lost her on Sunday. After a long fight in the ICU my little cousin passed away. Her mom made the hard choice to take her off life support. Her brain was over 90% damaged, there was no hope of any recovery. She simply hung too long before she was found. I got to spend an afternoon with her on Saturday and I had the privilege to hold her hand while I said goodbye. One of the hardest things I've ever done is let go of her hand. I can't believe I'll never do that again. I can't believe her mom and little sisters will never do that again. I can't believe she suffered so much. I can't believe this child was turned away by mental health services. I'm so angry, I'm so fucking broken for her. I've been there, to that dark place, many times and I hate knowing that she could relate to that. She was so failed, and I am a part of that failure. The only good to come from this nightmare is that her mom elected to donate her organs. The doctors confirmed that she saved the lives of four people with her liver, lungs, kidneys and skin. There are four people on this planet alive because of her. I wish they could know about her and the pieces of her that saved them when she couldn't be. Mostly, I wish she was here. I'm really trying to be a functioning human right now, but I'm failing at that, too. I just wish everything would stop for a minute so I could catch my breath. But, nothing stops. I'm trying to sleep, trying to work, trying to parent, trying to be present. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. It's just feels like it's not good enough to try. Thanks for listening
Life
I hesitated for a long time to even update anyone on what's happening. I feel like it's so much that people couldn't even believe this all happened to one family. Unfortunately, another tragedy has struck my family. In the last five months two people have died, one has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and just days ago another attempted suicide and is battling a critical brain injury from which they may not recover. As a suicide survivor I'm just overwhelmed with anxiety. I'm so dysfunctional right now I've had Bailey go stay with relatives for a week where she doesn't have to see me like this. Please understand that at this time I am not prepared to answer messages in a timely manner. I am not ignoring you, I am simply very overwhelmed and busy with urgent family needs. I am begging for your understanding and compassion at this time. I am having a very difficult time coping, I'm having severe anxiety attacks over what will happen next and I haven't been sleeping. It's taking everything I've got to maintain the basics. Please, universe, I need a break. Thank you so much for all of your support and understanding.
Three Years
I will never accept the possibility that I will not see her again. It doesn't feel like something I should accept because I feel her all around. Every time mom makes a traditional meal that Mandy loved, she's there. When I see a funny post on Facebook, something I recognize from a selection she once shared, I think that she must have meant for me to see it again because I didn't appreciate the hilarity the first time around. Every time Bailey tells a joke or does something funny, I can hear her again: "oh, you're a silly girl!"
Mandy was a vivid person. Her daughter is, too. Maybe because I have the privilege of raising Bailey I am protected from ever believing her mother is gone, because that child is living proof that she was here. That I got to hug her. That I got to sit and eat a meal with her. The bigger she gets, the more I see Mandy's influence on her life. She continues in Bailey, the most amazing gift she didn't know she was leaving us.
So, I'll continue to believe that Mandy is on vacation. She's on a beach somewhere, lounging in the shade, and sipping something fruity. Most important about this belief is that she's happy, always. She has no worries, she's safe and healthy.
She'll come home again, when she's ready, sunkissed and smiling. Take your time, Mandy. Enjoy yourself. We'll be here when you come home.
We miss you and love you ❤
Goodbyes
Although I knew him as a man of few words, his life spoke volumes to the people who love him. To know him was to feel safe, secure, and protected. Right now the world feels uncertain and unsteady, a little smaller. Although I was so lucky to know him for twenty nine years, I can't help the selfish desire to have him return. No amount of time with him would've been enough for me or my family.
But, I know innately that this isn't the end. How could it be when we are so powerfully affected by his life? I'll see him again, we all will, and at that time he'll be happy, healthy, and pain-free. He even said it himself:
"It's not goodbye, it's see you later." 👋